Tough Girl

I interrupt my "Home Birth" blog to post something that will not only help me to vent but will hopefully encourage other mamas too. 

Just in the first few weeks since Tillman was born I've had several people tell me "You make it look so easy."  "You make me want to have another one."  And my personal favorite, "You're like my hero, you're so strong." 

It made me feel so good but took me by complete surprise.  I'm thinking, "You can look at me and tell that I haven't washed my hair in a week, right?" 

So are people saying that because it's what you're supposed to say?  Because they're just trying to be encouraging because they can see I'm a wreck?  Because I'm actually doing a good job?  Or because for other moms it's even more of a struggle and more chaotic and I just don't see what's going on with them and their newborns? 

I don't know. 

But what I do know is that it's NOT easy.  And while I will admit that I never want to be viewed as weak and I do want everyone to (including myself) to view me as a strong person, I don't intend to present myself or my family as being perfect.  I try to be honest, I try to share our struggles (I'm open about the fact that I have a tendency to throw shoes at Troy's head occasionally) as well as our triumphs.  And without being someone who airs all of my dirty laundry and always creates drama, I try to be transparent and real. 

So here goes.  Where to begin?

This afternoon I went to pick up Turner from pre-school.  He only goes twice a week for a few hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  And especially since he just had a new brother and his life got flipped upside down, I have tried to make those days his special days.  So when we left the church nursery hallway we took an extra special route at his request.  We went the long way around through the "echo room" as we call it (it's really just the main entrance into the sanctuary, but it has some great HELLO-HELLO-HELLO reverberation that would make the Grand Canyon proud).  Then we looped around to see the fish, of course.  And then we headed out the door.  I parked in the parking lot all the way down the end of the sidewalk because that gives us a long way to walk and we enjoy that time together. 

So as we were walking out the door I told him that he could either ride on the stroller (mom gave us a stroller that has a part he can stand on) or he could hold my hand.  He didn't want either, so against my gut I let him walk beside me.  He was doing great until he saw his friend Abby and he took off toward her.  I was okay with that because her mom was right there and I figured he'd stay there and play with Abby and her big brother.  But...no.  He TOOK OFF in the opposite direction from me and sprinted around the other side of the church.  I had to ditch the baby(poor Tillman) and sprint off after him.  Glad I had a quick recovery from the birth or we could have been in real trouble!

But I caught up to him eventually and gave him this huge lecture.  I tell him to look in my eyes when I'm talking to him and he always gets right up in my face with his big blue eyes and innocent face.  I normally want to laugh instead of scold.  But this time there was NO temptation to laugh.  I spanked him twice and gave him my best mom-voice.  I could see that he wasn't phased in the least.  I think the freedom and fun of running with the wind through his hair was worth the trade off.  Hmmm...

So I threatened to tell daddy when he got home.  Well, that's all great except for the fact that daddy won't be home until midnight tonight since he's in his second busy season. 

So....I bought a leash.  No, not a toddler backpack kind of leash, we have one of those and it only reaches about 3 feet out.  I don't want to completely stifle his freedom.  But him running off all the time is just dangerous.  So, I ordered a full on puppy doggy retractable leash on Amazon.  I'll attach it to my Mommy Hook that I carry on my stroller and when he gets too far away I'll REEL him back in.  And while once upon a time I would have wondered why that mom couldn't control her child, I now get it.  He's a great kid and he's obedient (for a two year old) and kind-hearted and sweet.  But he's two and he's filled to the absolute brim with energy and even though he can say "car coming...hurry hurry hurry", he definitely doesn't get it yet!  I don't know what else to do, but I would rather be judged by other people any day than have a flat-as-a-pancake kid.

What else?

Oh yeah, so we got home and Turner's report card said, "Very high energy day!  :)" which means that he was completely exhausting.  And that vibe continued on throughout the rest of the day.  He bounced from the baby swing to the bouncy chair sitting on top of the island to the baby's activity gym.  He's figured out that as much as I can fuss at him to stop whatever he's doing, if I'm holding a fussy baby or feeding the baby, there's not a whole lot I can do to stop him.  Check-mate. 

So instead of getting up and going outside in the backyard like I normally would, I just kind of shut down.  I sat in the recliner with Tillman on my lap and watched as Turner the Tornado did his damage.  I was tired of fussing, Tillman was tired of hearing me gripe in his ear, and I was done.  I called Troy and cried.  I called my mom and cried.  And finally my mother-in-law showed up with dinner and a loving pair of arms to take the baby. 

It's rare for me to lose my cool but I knew that I was either going to spank the fire out of Turner or I could sit there quietly and accept that you win some and you lose some and I could pick up with consistently giving time-out consequences the next day.  But until then I was going to sit and feel sorry for myself.

It was just too much.  Troy wasn't coming home until midnight, my parents were out of town, Turner was bouncing off the walls.

You feel isolated.  You feel like everyone else is going on with their lives and have their own things to do and their own responsibilities and these two lives are in your hands.  It's overwhelming.   One minute you want to snuggle them and never let go and the next you think that if you could just have a quiet 24 hours to yourself you'd be so much more clear minded and sane!

 And just when you think you've got the hang of things, there's a curve ball.  We came home from church today.  I got to go to MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) and I called my mom to say that everything was all better.  But when we got home Turner had 101.6 fever.  Ughhhh.  I've figured out that you've just got to roll with it and take it one step at a time.  One minute at a time, then eventually one hour at a time, then one day, a week at a time, and eventually you can start planning month by month again.  But you can't jump ahead of yourself or obsess over the what-ifs.  Because if you do that you miss the moment, you miss the great moments.  And I want to enjoy each phase of my children's lives.

Fortunately I have wonderful parents who are willing to take both boys next weekend.  I've pumped 14 ounces so far and should have plenty by then.  It helps me to remember that this attached-at-the-hip 24/7 is short lived and I should appreciate this time of bonding and closeness.  But I also know that it's not wrong to take a break so that I can take care of myself and be a better mama because of it.

And I have to remind myself that while I miss them when they're away, I shouldn't feel guilty for taking some time to myself to feel normal and completely rested before starting another week again. 

As much as I want to be seen as strong and as much as I really only want to remember the good times, I think it was important to write this blog, as a reminder of the fact that it is TOUGH raising children, whether it's 1 or 19.  But I know that it's shaping me as a person more than anything ever has.  I know it's God's plan.  And I also know that nothing besides shaping and growing my kids would be worth this kind of blood sweat and tears!