Bad Mother

Today I have been short with Turner all day.  He woke up throwing tantrums and being fussy and I wasn't in the mood to deal with it (being 9 months pregnant.  I was knowingly being selfish and bratty.  I thought that it should all be about me for at least a little while, being that it is the day before my due date and I still haven't had my baby, it should be all about ME. 

I know that Turner isn't usually fussy unless he's sick, but even at that I didn't think that he should steal the spotlight from me.  It's always all about him, our lives revolve around him.  And for once, I wanted to be the one who gets babied and pampered and who gets to be needy. 

So...while we listened to his music (torture - I asked for kids music for his birthday because I thought that's what you were supposed to do) in the car, I sat in the backseat and held his hand on the way home from church, while he is my baby and I love him unconditionally, I was probably short with him all day.  I'm sure I said a few things like "Get over it...shake it off...move on...you're fine, etc." 

Then tonight at dinner he would be playing one minute and then groaning the next.  He wasn't eating and he just really wasn't being himself.  So I chose to take the focus off of my own pity-party and see what was going on.  I couldn't figure it out, but I realized it was more than just a fussy day, being tired, a little cold, or having an off day.

I told Troy, "This is kind of weird.  I think he's said "mouth" a few times while he was crying, but I never noticed him eating anything that would cause him to bite his lip when he said it.  And he is drooling quite a bit too.  Weird." 

Ummm....DUH.

So Troy read the cues and said "Do you think he's teething?"

I had looked so many times to see if he might be teething that I gave up on him teething his 2-year molars anytime soon.  Though all of the signs were quite obvious, I didn't put it together before Troy.  Dang it!

So I grabbed a flashlight and sure enough, there were two open holes where his bottom two molars are starting to make their way through.  Ouch!  My heart immediately softened and I felt so bad for the boy.  Of course there was something wrong, my happy-go-lucky boy doesn't act that way for no reason!  Of course he was teething, he was pointing to his mouth and drooling buckets!  Hind sight truly is 20/20.

I felt so bad as I was thinking back over my self-centered and short tempered day.  But I also know as a parent that as much as I love my child completely and unconditionally, I'm going to make some bad calls.  And this was one of them.  And the kid is no worse for the wear.  And as much as I'm beating myself up over it, Turner probably never even noticed. 

I'm not a nervous mother and I don't hold on to a lot of mommy guilt.  The only other time I felt this way was when Gus nipped Turner in the face and I blamed myself for letting it happen.  It broke my heart and still does when I think about what could have happened.  But occasionally one of these moments just jumps out at you unexpectedly.  And the key is to move on, forgive yourself, learn a lesson, and to have confidence in your ability as a parent.   

And Lord, PLEASE let Turner feel better soon and sleep well through this!  It makes me a little bit nervous to know that I may be up throughout the night with Turner and then go into labor at any time without rest.  I know that I need Turner to feel well so that he will be my predictable happy boy who sleeps 12 hours a night and takes a good nap each day.  I don't know that I can handle a sick toddler and a brand new newborn baby.  I'm a better mom when I'm a rested mom! 

But, I also know that everything happens in God's perfect time in His perfect plan, so it will all work out the way that it's supposed to.  In my heart I know that the birth, Tillman's health, and Turner will all be fine and that it will be in His control.

Deep breath!