Fear.

I posted a blog last night at 2am that was titled "Top 10 List"...it was the top 10 things you should not say to a pregnant woman (that I guess I will be keeping to myself, at least for now). It was supposed be funny with a touch of sarcasm. But I guess it ended up coming across as mostly bitter with a touch of humor (to some people...others not so much (a.k.a. my mom and my husband did not appreciate it). Mom said it was just plain rude and Troy said that it was "a slap in the face to everyone who loves and cares about me and just wants to express their concern". That WAS NOT my intention at all! The people I was referencing don't even read my blog!

Part of me thinks that I started this blog so that I could write about my pregnancy in an uninhibited and uncensored way. It was mainly for myself to remember what I was feeling in each stage of pregnancy. But I would never want to express my opinion if it was going to be at the expense of someone else's feelings.

To be honest, I'm just scared to death of what's to come. The way my pregnancy will unfold. When I will go into labor. If I will go into labor on my own. The pain of labor. Whether or not I will be able to make it through a natural childbirth. The prospect of having to have a c-section. Not being able to nurse my baby. Not sleeping a full 8 hours again for who knows how long.

And it's easier to take it out on the people around me and to place my anxieties on them than to sit down and actually face the fears of labor, delivery and motherhood. It's my coping mechanism.

I have always found it easier to laugh something off than to really deal with it. Sometimes that is a blessing and sometimes it's a curse. I set out with this pregnancy to be the toughest pregnant lady ever. I wasn't going to complain. I wasn't going to show any weakness. I wasn't going to depend on anyone else to help me. Being pregnant was not going to slow me down! I would not be affected by hormonal changes or physical changes that came with pregnancy. I wasn't going to cry at Kodak commercials or especially emotional episodes of A Baby Story. And if I did cry, I CERTAINLY was not going to let anyone see!

So instead of admitting my fears, it was easier to blame my mood and my anxiety on those around me. The people who ask me how I'm feeling and want to give advice and share their experiences with me.

I found a scripture on the Facebook profile of someone I went to high school with. It is Proverbs 31:25. "She is clothed with strength and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come." THIS is what I was going for, and I may have missed the mark, but I wanted to show other women that be strong and dignified even with the crazy changes that take place during pregnancy. Woman don't have to act like fragile little porcelin dolls. We don't have to whine about being uncomfortable and fat and how we need back rubs and foot rubs everyday. I wanted to prove that with the right mindset this can be a relatively easy process. Piece of cake! But it's not a piece of cake! It's emotionally exhausting. Waiting for birth day. Waiting to meet your baby. And it is a little bit uncomfortable in the last two weeks. Hoisting myself out of bed every 5 minutes to pee. Acid relflux. Weight gain. False labor and contractions. Did I mention WAITING?!

So maybe I can be clothed with strength and dignity, laugh at the days to come, but also not be afraid to show people what I'm feeling. I'm tired of waiting! I'm anxious! I have a million things going through my head at one time. And sometimes I feel like crying!

And if I'm being completely honest.....

I worry that Turner will die inside of me before he has a chance to be born.

I worry that Turner will have Downs Syndrome.

I worry that Turner will be Autistic.

I worry that I will have to have a c-section.

I worry that I will bleed to death after delivery.

I worry that God will not take care of us the way I know He has promised He will take care of us.

But people don't want to hear that! So I will stick to my canned answer of "Fine. I'm doing just fine." Because it's the truth. I know that God will take care of us. I know that Turner is going to be okay. When my mind begins to wonder I am always able to come back to the fact that in my heart I know he will be okay. I am SO unbelievably blessed to be able to conceive a child and I am fully aware that not everyone gets that opportunity. So I feel a great responsibility to never take this for granted.

It's a miracle.

But I also know that I can experience this miracle with strength, dignity, a sense of humor, and still accept the fact that it's emotionally and physically taxing. I don't have to be Wonder Woman! Being vulnerable is not a crime, nor is it a weakness.

I'm a work in progress......maybe I will be able to figure this out by the time Turner has graduated from college ;)